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Final Countdown/Transcript
Wanda Dollard: OK everybody, listen up. At midnight, Brent turns 40... Oscar Leroy: Typical. Wanda: And that's when I'll set the fireworks off. Which will be in 28 minutes. Lacey Burrows: So, you mean 12:02? Wanda: No, you're clock is wrong. Karen Pelly: You mean, 12:05? Wanda: No, 28 minutes from now. Well, 27 minutes and 56 seconds from now it'll be midnight according to the US Naval Observatory's Master Atomic Clock. So, everybody, synchronize your watches...now! Oscar: Now? Wanda: No, not now, then. Oscar: When? Wanda: Just then when it was now. Karen: Did you get that? Lacey: I stopped listening two nows ago. Hank Yarbo: So, does it feel weird being 40? Brent Leroy: I don't know, I'm not 40 yet. Hank: Yeah, but you're like 39 and 24 hours and 35 minutes old. Isn't that weird? Brent: Weird that you can't add? A little. Hank: I can add. It's, it's, it's, there's 60 seconds in a minute. And, uh, there's 60 hours in a...you're old is all I'm saying. I thought we were going to the Ruby? Brent: Nope. We're going to go pick up that special bottle of Scotch that I've been saving for my birthday. Hank: Oh, right, the Scotch. What Scotch? Brent: You know, 40 year old Scotch for my 40th birthday? Well, 20 year old Scotch that I bought 20 years ago, so...mathematically, very similar. Hank: Oh yeah, of course, the special 40 year old Scotch. Hey ah, when did you get the um, hey watch out for that dog! Brent: What dog? Fitzy Fitzgerald (phone): Hello. Davis Quinton (phone): We have a situation. There's a small shipment of consumer grade explosives set to go off in a densely populated area. Fitzy (phone): Brent's fireworks across the street? Davis (phone): Major fire hazard. We need a field team on it, right away. Fitzy (phone): Don't call the field hockey team. Again. Davis (phone): But they signed permission slips. Fitzy (phone): And not the football team. Davis (phone): They got their own helmets. Fitzy (phone): No. Davis (phone): Fine. If you won't back me, I'll find someone else who will. Kiefer Sutherland (phone): Hello. Davis (phone): We have a problem. We need to set up a perimeter. Kiefer Sutherland (phone): Who is this? Davis (phone): Isn't this the coach of the baseball team? Kiefer Sutherland (phone): No, you have the wrong number. This is Shirley Douglas' residence. Davis (phone): Really? Kiefer Sutherland (phone): Yes, I should know. She's my mother. Davis (phone): Your mother? You still live with your mother? How old are you? Kiefer Sutherland (phone): I'm hanging up now. Shirley Douglas: Kiefer, who was that? Kiefer Sutherland: Damn it, Mom! I told you to knock before you come in! Karen: Here, everyone has to sign this card for Brent. Wanda: we're all a little busy here. Karen: It's a pretty cute card. There's a frog and a duck on the front and then you open it up and the frog says, "Hoppy Birthday!" and the duck says, "Many quacky return...". You know what, I've said too much. Wanda: Sounds pretty racy. I'll sign it later. I've got fireworks to set off. Karen: Come sign this card. Hank: Uh, not now. Gotta talk to Lacey. Karen: Just sign it, it'll take five seconds. Hank: Fine. Um, hmm. Hey, you go first. Mertyl Runciman: OK. I'll have the meatloaf. Hank: Hey, I'm in a bind. Gimme all your 40 year old Scotch. Lacey: I don't have any. I've got some old cooking Sherry I use to catch flies. Hank: How old is it? Lacey: It's got flies. Hank: Brent's expecting to open a 40 year old bottle of Scotch at midnight and I think he might be disappointed. Hank: Hey, look what I found up in Brent's room, 20 year old Scotch! This stuff's primo! Jungle juice! Ha, ha, ha, ha. Hank: He's probably gonna blame me for that. Lacey: Does Brent know about this? Hank: If Brent knew about this, he wouldn't be out in the middle of the road looking for a fake dog now, would he? Lacey: Are you on jungle juice now? Hank: I wish. Lacey: Hey, have the fireworks started? Karen: No, but Wanda's on fire. Wanda: Cough, cough, cough. Whew! Oscar: Nice work, Sparky. Wanda: Just testing fuse length. I have a good idea what's too short now. Oscar: You don't know what you're doing. Say hello to Dr. Boom. I used to be king of the fireworks in the neighbourhood. Oscar: Now hold still, son. Emma Leroy: Oscar, what are you doing?! Oscar: Getting Brent's kite. Oscar: It's hard to believe he's already 40. Wanda: Hard to believe he made it to 40. Lacey: Wow, that is a great looking cake. Emma: Chocolate, double chocolate with chocolate icing. I've been serving it to Brent for 39 years. Lacey: You fed Brent cake when he was one? Emma: Well, that's how we got him to walk. Lacey: Oh. Emma: How'd your slab cake turn out? Lacey: It's OK, I guess. The pumps don't look that great and Brent isn't quite to scale with the car but I was in a rush, so... Emma: Are you entering a contest or something? Lacey: Oh, pfft. This is just a backup cake. Did you notice that Brent is holding a little comic? Oscar: Here. Wanda: What are those? You trying to kill the Roadrunner? Oscar: Stole these when I opened Corner Gas. Good, old Chinese know-how. This one's called a "Flaming Monkey." Wanda: Think your monkey's dead. Oscar: Wait for it. Wait for it. Wait for it. Wanda: Nice work, Oppenheimer, but I think I'll stick with mine. Oscar: Ah, it's just a bit damp. But you can always count on the good, old "Sky Cricket." It's a doozy. Wait for it. Davis: You're not waiting for anything. Wanda: Good timing, Davis. You take care of Oscar while I prep for the real show. Davis: You're not lighting anything either. I'm shutting these fireworks down. Oscar: Wait for it. Karen: How do you get your microwave to work? Lacey: You have to press "Cook" first. Karen: Oh. Brent: Hey, have you seen Hank? Lacey: Yeah, he was just in here looking for Scotch. I should tell you, he drank yours. Brent: No, he only thinks he did. But, I outsmarted Hank. Which isn't that hard I'll admit. But the point is, I know Hank too well and I always have. So, I bought two bottles of Scotch...so I bought three bottles of Scotch and I pretended to hide one in a place I knew Hank would find it. Then, I hid the real one in a safe place. Lacey: Why didn't you just fill an old bottle full of ice tea and save yourself the money? Brent: Where were you 20 years ago? Anyway, now I get to watch Hank squirm all night while I wait to drink that succulent Scotch. I can't imagine a better birthday present to myself. Lacey: Really? Not a car or a rare edition of some comic book, or... Brent: You mean like issue 181 of the Incredible Hulk? First appearance of Wolverine as Weapon X? Lacey: Yes, that is exactly the one I was thinking of. Davis: No permit, no fireworks. Now, if you can very gently carry them and very carefully place them in the trunk of the police car while I stand way over here, that'd be great. Wanda: Are you scared of fireworks? Davis: Pfft, no. More like you are. Oscar: Davis is a-scared! Davis is a-scared! Davis: I am not a-scared. Oscar: Oh, oh, don't bring them too close! Might a-scare the scaredy-cat! Wanda: Never mind him. Fireworks are perfectly safe in the right hands. That just proves my point. Davis: Wow! Those are kinda cool. Set one off by your other ear. Oscar: What? Fireworks Denizen: Are the fireworks starting? Wanda: No, that was a test. Midnight, people. Does nobody follow the US Observatory Naval Atomic Clock? Oscar: The doctor I think. He stole a pair of my socks. Lacey: Oh, you guys looking at the cake? I just had some old pieces of gingerbread kicking around so I slapped it together. Karen: Well, now that I've got you both here, why don't you sign the card? Emma: I thought we agreed that I was going to bake the main cake and you were going to bake a side cake. Lacey: I did bake a side cake. Karen: Anywhere on the card would be great. Emma: How am I supposed to present this to Brent when your cake is screaming, "Look at me." Lacey: Actually, my cake screams "Happy Birthday." Cake: Happy Birthday! Emma: Where'd you get that? Lacey: Oh, don't worry about the candle. It's not important that it talks. Karen: I'm talking too. Lacey: What's important is that your cake was made with love. Emma: Don't give me that love crap. Where'd you get a talking candle? Karen: Talking cop, over here. Emma: You totally knee-capped me. Karen: Ugh. Lacey: Oh, come on. Look it, the gas bell doesn't even work. Oh! Emma: You're making it very hard for me to like you right now. Hank: Hey, I need a bottle of 40 year old Scotch. Phil Kinistino: I have three bottles of 1 year old Scotch. Hank: Do you have one bottle of 37 year old Scotch? Phil: No, but I got ten bottles of 4 year old Scotch. Hank: Is that cheaper? Phil: I was just kidding, I thought we were adding stuff up to 40. Hank: You know what? Just give me a bottle of whatever you got. Brent: What's going on? I've been looking all over for you. Hank: Uh-uh. Yeah um, I'm just catching a drink before a big party. Brent: But you don't have a drink. Hank: Hey um, let me ask you something. Ah, let me ask you something. How much, ah, would you need to drink to pass out and forget about everything you were about to do, yeah? Phil: Here's the Scotch. Brent: Oh thanks, but we have 40 year old Scotch back at my place. Hank: Yeah, why would you think we need Scotch? Phil: Because you asked me to get it. Hank: You now what, I don't like your attitude, Phil. Come on Brent, let's go to the Ruby and get some cake. Brent: Nope, we're going to go to my place and get some Scotch. This is exciting. Are you excited about the Scotch? Hank: Yeah. Davis: Take that, god of darkness! Wanda: It's like a night-time rainbow. Davis: Ooo, a night-time rainbow. Wanda: Actually, the chemistry's quite complicated. The blue happened because of copper salt. Yellow, your sodium salts and the many hues of red are derived from strontium. Davis: A night-time rainbow. Wanda: Sure, we'll stick with that. Oscar: Davis, your phone is ringing. Wanda: Would you clam up! I almost got him on-board. Oscar: One cream, two sugars. Karen: Is it midnight already? Davis: Oh, you gotta try this. It's called a "Screaming Tree Frog." Karen: Speaking of frogs, check out this card. Oscar: Happy's spelt wrong. Karen: It's a joke. Davis: Oh, I get it. Frog can't spell. Good. Karen: Just sign it. Wanda: Can't it wait? Fireworks, midnight. Karen: No, it can't. Birthday card, midnight. Wanda: Fine. I could use some light. Davis: Coming up. Tree frog away! Wanda: Will you quit that? You're burning all them! Oh! See that? Strontium. Karen: Ah, fine. Here Oscar, sign this. Oscar: No thanks, I went at the house. Lacey: Wow, good job. Emma: See, you're not the only one who can decorate. Lacey: Well of course, that looks exactly like...whatever it is you're trying to draw. Emma: It's Brent. Lacey: Oh. Davis: Hey guys. Just need some matches. Wow, who made this? Lacey: Guilty, it's mine. Do you like it? Davis: Not my cup of tea really. A bit over the top. Emma: That's what I thought. Davis: Now, this one I like. Nice, simple cake with a picture of a tree on it. Emma: It's Brent. Davis: Oh. Well, at least there's fireworks. See ya. Hank: You know, I've been thinking. Scotch is more of an old man's kind of drink. You should stay away from that image with your 40th coming up. Maybe you should drink milk. Brent: Nope, I've been waiting 20 years for that crisp, oaky taste of a perfectly aged single malt. Hank: Wait, there's something I need to tell you. Brent: What is it, friend for life? Hank: I drank your Scotch at a house party 20 years ago. Brent: You did what? Hank: I know, I screwed up. I'm sorry. Brent: Yeah, well, before you go getting all teary-eyed on me, have a look at this. OK, now, it's around here somewhere. Hank: What's around here somewhere? Brent: OK, where's my Scotch? It's almost midnight! OK, that one's broken. That one has no hands, I've been meaning to fix that. OK, that's a lamp, but it works. See, it's almost midnight. Brent: Mom, have you seen a bottle of Scotch in the basement? Emma: Oh, that. I threw it out, it was over 20 years old. Brent: It was supposed to be old! Emma: It was bad. I tried it, it tasted like old wood. Brent: It's supposed to taste like old wood. Davis: Oscar, check this out. I'm gonna light a firework with another firework. Wanda: Will you quit that! You're gonna blow us all up. Davis: Wanda is a-scared. Wanda is a-scared. Oscar: Walter has a beard. Walter has a beard. Wanda: D'oh! Listen up pyro and deaf nuts! People are expecting me to set off 40 fireworks tonight at midnight. And that's just what I'm gonna...will you knock it off! Hank: Are the fireworks starting? Brent: Well, it's not midnight yet. Wanda's usually pretty serious about this stuff. Wanda: People are going to think that I'm not serious about this stuff. Where are the rest of the fireworks? Davis: I lit them, remember? Flaming Monkey, Screaming Tree Frog, Space Kitten. Wanda: You lit them all! Damn it! Oscar, we need your fireworks. Oscar: I can hear you. You don't have to yell. Wanda: Go dry out your fireworks. Oscar: I said I can hear you. Wanda: Yelling at you make me feel better. Karen: Lordy, Lordy, look who's 40. Happy B-day, congrats. Anything. Emma: Something smells weird. Lacey: What are you doing? Oscar: I'm baking fireworks. Lacey: Do you want to saute some gasoline while you're at it? Get them out of there! Oscar: Oh, they're done now anyway. Yeah, ha, ha. Brent: Look, I'm sorry for getting you out of bed Wes, but this is an emergency. Hank: I thought you died or moved to Winnipeg or something. Wes Humboldt: No, I've always been here. You guys just didn't seem too interested in calling me. Brent: 40 year old bottle of Scotch, Wes. Or I stop calling again. Wes: Here, I had this on special order for Doc Russell. But, under the circumstances... Hank: We'll take it. Wes: That'll be $450. Brent: We won't take it. Hank: Ring it up. I got it. Wes: How are you gonna pay for it? Hank: Take my truck. Wes: OK, and where is the other $400 gonna come from? Brent: Keep your truck, I'll get it. Hank: Whew, took long enough to step in there. Fitzy: Hey, that's a great idea. A real cake and a joke cake. Emma: You hear that? He think your cake is a joke cake. Lacey: Oh no Emma, I think he was referring to yours. Emma: Oh yeah? We'll let Brent decide which one's a joke. Lacey: Yes, we will, because this is for Brent after all. Emma: Yeah, for Brent. Wanda: All right. It's 20 seconds to midnight. Let's start a countdown. Davis: 10, 9, 8... Wanda: You have to start at 20. Davis: 20, 19... Wanda: Now we're past 20! We have to start at...holy crap! 7, 6, 5... Davis and Wanda: 4, 3, 2, 1. Davis: Blast off! Oscar: Wait for it. Hank: Where are the fireworks? Emma: Looks like Lacey's cake isn't the only disappointing thing about tonight. Davis: Maybe you should have broiled them. Don't you have any newer ones? Wanda: I used to have. Hey, Davis, could I borrow your gun for a second? Oscar: There she blows! Courtesy of Dr. Boom. Brent: Well, I think this deserves a toast. Lacey: To Brent. Good guy, good friend. Hank: Yeah. You know, if it weren't for you Brent, I probably wouldn't be here right now. Lacey: I didn't know Brent saved your life. Hank: No, I just mean that I'd be at home sleeping. Davis: Congratulations, buddy. Turning 40 ain't so bad. I turned 40 recently. Karen: That was like 5 years ago. Wanda: I thought it was 6. Davis: Ooo, look, fireworks. Oscar: Here's to you, son. And I don't say this enough, but you're a good kid. In fact, I'm seeing more of myself in you everyday. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Brent: Had to add that last part. Wanda: And you're a pretty good boss too. Well, maybe not a good boss. But you're always there to...well, you're often there. And you like cartoons. That's all I got. Lacey: Well, if I'd known everybody was going to be making speeches I would have said something more than the "good guy, good friend" thing. Karen: I wanna say thanks for all your advice and guidance over the years. Wait, who we toasting again? Hank: Brent. Karen: Oh. Good guy, good friend. Emma: Brent, as you're blowing out the candles on your birthday cakes, remember, try mine first. Lacey: Unbelievable. Hank: To Brent! All: To Brent! Hank: That's kinda nasty. Lacey: It tastes like old wood. Wanda: I'll get some root beer for mix. Hank: Yeah, I'm gonna get the bucket. Brent: I'll stick with this nasty tasting Scotch. Hank: Jungle juice! Brent: Wow, that's a funny card, sort of. Thanks, Karen. Where are all of your guy's cards? Davis: I think Karen speaks for all of us. Karen: No, I don't. Just me. Brent: OK. Well, let's get at the cakes. Lacey: OK, Brent. Here's my cake. Hank: Hey, cool. Look it, it's you on there. Emma: And this is from me. Brent: Ooo, ooo-hoo, that's nice too. It's got the, the hobo in a tornado. Emma: Try them. Ah! Lacey: Ah! Wanda: OK, that's just gross. Brent: No, that's delicious. At least half of it is. Category:Transcripts